Vacation Funny

Ok so vacation was a blast. I have one funny little story that I want to share.

Within the first hour of actually getting on the ship, I decided I was going to be difficult. Being an experienced cruiser I see myself as “A know it all”. Well, We had just arrived on the ship and the first thing we wanted to do was go eat seeing that it was the only thing we could do. And if you have seen me lately then you know I love to eat. While sitting at the buffet they made an announcement stating that everyone should report to their muster station for the safety presentation. I told my friends at the table that I have decided not to attend this required by international law event. They all thought I was crazy and thought there was no way I could get away with it, but they didn’t know me that well. I had a plan. We all reported to our room and everyone got ready to go to their muster station. I told them I would be hiding under the bed and that I would not be in attendance. They thought I was an idiot. The announcement was made that we had to report so everyone left, except for me. I forced my body under the pushed together twin beds in the middle of the room and began my protest against the man. After a few minutes had passed I heard the door to the room open. Oh crap I thought. The person came in and walked around and then walked out. I was in the clear, so I thought. After a few more minutes had passed the person returned. By this time I was pouring sweat from being under the bed. I then felt the person’s arm reaching under the bed trying to reach the comforter in the plastic bag right next to me. He grabbed it and pulled it out from under the bed not even noticing me under the bed. Then he left the room again. Wow. I was about to freak out. Keep in mind I’m breaking international law, fat, and sweating like a hooker in church. Not a good mixture. Finally after a couple of minutes the person returned. What was about to happen? Could I stay still? Would he notice me? Well he started taking the sheets off the bed. Oh crap I was thinking to myself. What do I do? Then he started to pull the two twin beds apart. OMG. I was trying to shimmy my body over as he was pulling the beds apart. He then reached over and lifted the mattress. At the same time I just gave up. I said “Wait, I’m sorry” This dude freaked and jumped up about two feet against the wall holding his chest screaming. I pulled myself out from under the bed telling him that I was sorry. He kept asking what I was doing. I told him I was just trying to scare my friends. He kept telling me I scared the Heck out of him. He finally calmed down enough for me to explain. He said you are supposed to be at your muster station, but that he really didn’t care. I went ahead and went because I had because enough pain to him. As soon as I got there they let everyone go. That guy said he would never forget that. He had been working ships for 15 years and that had never happened to him.

Hall Football

I was talking to a friend of mine at lunch about the good old days and I remembered one of the coolest memories from my childhood. Hall Football. My sister and I would play this game in the hall of my family home on rainy days. You just have to know my sister. This is one of the toughest females on the planet earth. She once chased these bunch of guys that tried to steal her purse. She played real football in school and out played all the boys. She would even beat me in arm wrestling sometimes. I didn't have a brother back then, but I'm telling you she was tough as nails. Ok, back to our game. The rules of Hall Football were simple. Take the ball of rolled up socks from one end of the hall to the other end without getting taken down to the ground. This game was played by running on our knees. If you stood up to advance your position you would be considered down. If your elbows hit the ground you were down. If I remember correctly we had 3 total downs. I can't count how many times we cause each other physical pain. The amount of carpet burns on our knees and arms was beyond belief. As I sit and think about my childhood I love remembering all of these games my sister and I played and I can't believe we are still alive. I believe that having me as a brother made my sister as tough as she is. I never treated her like a girl, but I would protect her with my life.

8:44 a.m.

      On the morning of September 11, 2001, this somewhat typical Tuesday morning, my life would drastically change.  The clock on my desk showed that it was only 8:44 a.m.  The morning already seemed to be dragging along.  I had no idea how the entire world and I were going to change in the next minute.

      At 8:45 a.m., I over heard a co-worker say that an airplane had just crashed into the north tower of the World Trade Center in New York City.  I began looking on different news websites to find out what had happened.  On the CNN website, I found a live video feed showing the events as they happened in New York City.

      The video feed showed the World Trade Center burning.  The reporters were debating what type of airplane had actually struck the building.  There were reports of people claiming it was just a small single engine plane.  Still, other reports had witnesses claiming that it was a large passenger jet.  Hearing this, I could only assume the worst.  The scene on the video feed changed to show terrified New Yorkers trying to process what had just transpired.

      I could not believe that such an accident could happen.  Then the unthinkable occurred.  At 9:03 a.m., as I watched the scene on the live Internet video feed, another plane crashed into the south tower of the World Trade Center.  I was stunned.  I knew then that this was no accident.  This was an attack of some kind.  Both towers were now burning.  I could only hope that the towers were empty.  I began to pray for the passengers on the planes, the workers in the towers, and their families. 

      All of us in my office started gathering around our computers to watch the coverage of the terrible events.  I remember wondering who could have done this and why.  Then I heard someone say that another plane had hit the Pentagon in Washington, DC.  I watched through tears as the World Trade Center later collapsed to the ground.  My fellow co-workers and I were anxiously watching and wondering what was going to happen next.  A few minutes later the obviously shaken CNN anchor announced that another airplane had just crashed southeast of Pittsburgh, PA.

      People began leaving work and going home to be with their families.  Most of the people in my department decided to gather at a co-workers house and watch the news.  None of us really wanted to be alone during this tragedy.  We all gathered around the television trying to learn as much as we could about what was going on.

      I later went outside and looked up into the sky.  It just did not seem real to look up and not see even one airplane passing overhead.  I remember looking around and seeing the terrified faces of my co-workers gathered around the television, trying to make sense of the morning’s events.  We all knew that our world would never be the same.  I knew that I would never be the same, as I was that morning at 8:44 a.m.

The Perfect Plan

Ok once in a lifetime everyone gets the perfect plan. I seem to get

them all the time, but they never work out the way I had planned.

Everyone that knows me knows that I have lots of animals. I have 2

dogs, 1 outside cat, and my best buddy Cleo my inside cat. At

one time I had 14 different pets including some birds and a

tarantella. I am very protective of my animals and don’t like it when

strays or neighbors animals come over and hurt my animals. I had this

problem with the neighbor’s cat coming over and just beating up my

cat. I don’t know if it was just part of them mating or what, but my

outside cat was getting beat up pretty bad. I had to take him to the

vet once cause he got really cut up by this crazy cat. I decided I had

to defend him once and for all. I thought I had developed the perfect

plan. I have this BB pistol that is really powerful. Anyone that knows

me knows that it probably would not be a good idea for me to own a

real pistol. I had planned to have the pistol ready the next time I

heard that crazy cat outside hurting my cat. I was watching “Alias”

one night on TV and heard the fighting start up outside. I was ready.

I grabbed the pistol and cut off the lights and creap over near the

front door. The outside light was not on and the door was locked. This

was not in the plan. My wife had cut off the light and locked the

door. So I created a plan “B”. I would unlock the door, cut on the

outside light, open the front door, and shoot the cat at the same

time. The cat was on the top step of the porch and was in the perfect

place for me to get him. So I was ready. With the pistol in one hand I

unlocked the door, flicked on the light switch, and proceeded to open

the door to shoot the cat, but the door didn’t open. The dead bolt was

locked. So when the door didn’t open it made my finger pull the

trigger on the pistol. I heard a shot and a crackling sound. The cat

just walked off. It was as if he just laughed at me. My wife yelled

what was that. I didn’t know. All of a sudden the entire side window

of the front door turned white and fell to the floor. I freaked out. I

tried to explain what happened and she just shook her head and called

me an idiot. My plan had failed again. So if I ever tell you I have a

great plan run.

Bring Me A lighter

A couple of years ago I was in the office and over heard my friend Jin

talking about what he did to an ant bed. He had pushed a pipe into the

ant bed and poured in some white gas and light it. It shot a cool flame

up through the pipe. I heard this and had a wonderful idea to do this

sort of thing at home. I was living in Carrollton at the time and had

a really bad ant problem. I really wanted the ants to die so I went a

little overboard. I got a 5-gallon can of regular gas and pored most

of it all around the yard all into the ant beds. My wife at the time

asked is this a good idea and I was not too sure myself but I said sure

it is. After watching the ants freak out I decided to finish them off

really good. I asked her to get the lighter. Not too sure of the

request she did it anyway. I walked out in the middle of all of these

gas soaked ant beds and leaned down to light one of the when boom. The

gas exploded onto the ant bed then started going through the air it

seemed to the other ant beds. In seconds there were 6 ant beds on fire

surrounding me right in front of my house. I freaked out. I was

surrounded with fire. My wife ran in screaming and called the fire

department. I jumped over the fire and ran around to the other end of

the house to get the hosepipe. I cut the water on and started running

around the house with the hose and found out the hard way that I

didn’t have enough hosepipe. I rounded the corner of the house and the

hose stopped short and I ate the ground up. It was not a pretty sight.

So I picked myself up and ran back around the house to disconnect the

hose to put it on the other spicket on the other end of the house.

While all of this is going on the fire had started burning parts of my

front porch. I finally got the water going on it and after a few

minutes I got it all out. My wife told the fire department that

everything was under control. Everything except her stupid husband. So

the moral to this story is that if I ever ask you for a lighter “RUN”.